Feel No Pain
by mooresomore
Summary: Things are tough for Logan. What will he do? Rated M for themes. *Warning: Character Death!*
1. Logan

**Disclaimer: This is complete and total FICTION. That means it never happened and is completely untrue. In fact, this is so far from the truth that it isn't even in the same country as the truth. I don't own anybody: Big Time Rush, the characters, and all referenced scenes belong to Nickelodeon, and I make no money off of this. I am not in any way implying said characters' sexual identities.**

**Author's Note: This was written from going through a rough point in my own life (where I had the thoughts to end it all- I managed to get out of that mindset with help; I still have my days). I don't think suicide is the answer, but I understand why some people think that it is; to all of those affected by suicide, please accept my thoughts and prayers.**

Logan Mitchell stared at the blade in his hand. This was it; this was the last time he'd feel any pain. All the things that had been building up for 16 years would be gone with a slice. Logan thought back before he made the cut.

_The first thing that had happened was he was named Hortense. That led to years of ridicule, until he started going by his middle name, Logan. Even then, the teasing didn't completely stop._

_Then, at age 6, he'd accidentally broken his mother's vase. His father had beaten him so badly that he almost ended up in a coma. His father had been sentenced to jail time, and threatened Logan that he'd be back when he got out._

_Age 13. Logan had his first kiss with Cielo Matthews; she then told the whole school that it was all a joke, and that Logan thought there was something there. She also told everyone Logan was gay._

_Logan's dad got out when Logan turned 15; he'd made good on that promise. He'd beat Logan up again; this time, Logan fought back. Logan's dad was put back into prison._

_Big Time Rush had come along, and things were looking up. He got along great with the guys (and Mama Knight and Katie); he and Kendall had a more-than-friends-thing going on. Until Jo Taylor came along, and Kendall said that gays were "God's abomination on the earth" and that "anyone who was friends with a gay person was going to hell for supporting their friend's choice". That sent Logan into a downward spiral- how could Kendall say something like that; when the other day he'd been kissing Logan like there was no tomorrow? It was the last straw for Logan._

Logan had written a note for everyone, telling them it wasn't their faults, that he was messed up and this was the only way out; he wrote a separate note for Kendall, which had a note for Logan's mom in it.

Since he had wanted to be a doctor as long as he could remember, Logan knew it was more successful if you cut down your wrist (following the vein) instead of across it (although that'd do the job too). Logan made that cut, and smiled as he felt the pain start to go away. He did the same thing on the other side, and closed his eyes, feeling like he was finally free.

That's how Kendall would find him; eyes closed and a smile on his face, in a pool of blood, free from all his pain.

After reading the note (and his separate note), Kendall would try to come to grips with why Logan felt the way he did. "I loved you too Logan." Kendall said. Then he called the rest of the guys and his mom (telling her to leave Katie with a neighbor; she didn't need to see this), so they could say their goodbyes. They all cried, but they knew Logan was in a better place now. The problem was, he'd left them all to suffer.

But with time, hopefully, they would all realize that it wasn't their faults; Logan did what he thought was best. Besides, they'd see him again one day.


	2. Kendall

**Disclaimer: This is complete and total FICTION. That means it never happened and is completely untrue. In fact, this is so far from the truth that it isn't even in the same country as the truth. I don't own anybody: Big Time Rush, the characters, and all referenced scenes belong to Nickelodeon, and I make no money off of this. I am not in any way implying said characters' sexual identities.**

**Author's Note: This was written from going through a rough point in my own life (where I had the thoughts to end it all- I managed to get out of that mindset with help; I still have my days). I don't think suicide is the answer, but I understand why some people think that it is; to all of those affected by suicide, please accept my thoughts and prayers.**

It had been three months since Logan had taken his life; everyone was dealing with it as best as they could. Everyone except Kendall that is. Sure, he put on a front for everyone, acting like he was doing ok, but inside, he was dying. It didn't help that he still live in the room he'd shared with Logan. He'd wake up in the middle of the night and expect to hear Logan's soft snores that would lull him back to sleep, but would only hear silence.

Kendall had tried; he really had. But everywhere he turned, all he saw was reminders of Logan. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

He wasn't strong, like Logan; he couldn't bring himself to slit his writs (his mom or Katie shouldn't have that be the image they remembered of him). He knew there were pain pills left over from Carlos' latest injury (a busted rib after the pool-jumping incident). He found them and hit them in his room, doing the math to make sure he had enough for a lethal dose (he did; he could thank Logan for teaching him medication math). Kendall knew that women usually were the ones that took pills (they didn't want to leave a mess for others to clean up); if this made him the "girl" in his and Logan's "thing", so be it.

Kendall waited until James and Carlos headed down to the pool, knowing they'd been there all day (Kendall feigned being asleep); Mama Knight and Katie wouldn't be home until tonight. Kendall wrote a letter, and then opened the bottle, saying, "I love you Logan and I'll see you soon." He took the pills and curled up on Logan's bed.

James and Carlos came back up from the pool later that afternoon; they instantly knew something was wrong; it looked like Kendall hadn't gotten up, which was weird. They went down to Kendall's room, and found him.

Reading the note, James and Carlos knew there was nothing they could have done; Kendall said he felt like it was his fault Logan had committed suicide, and he was tired of living with regret, and that the world was better off without him.

"Kendall, you should've talked to us man." James said. "We would have been there for you."

"Yeah. Miss you buddy." Carlos said. They sat on the couch and waited for Mama Knight and Katie, who should have been walking through the door any minute now.

Mama Knight burst into tears; she said, "I should've known." Katie just said, "I'll miss you big brother."

It was like some twisted Romeo and Juliet things, James mused. Two lovers, who both died in the end for love.

If Carlos wanted to share a bed that night, James wasn't going to stop him. He needed something to hold on to right now; he'd just lost two of his best friends; he could lose a third as well.

Maybe it was time to head home to Minnesota. LA had caused them nothing but pain.


End file.
